I am my mom's daughter...

Was it me, the group of friends overall, one person in particular? I don’t go to the place I used to feel most comfortable, most myself anymore. I go to your typical everyday high school now. Nobody is close. Nobody talks the way we used to. Why? What makes this year so incredibly different that we can’t be honest and genuine anymore? There are so many secrets, so many lies, half of which I’m probably completely unaware. Why have the walls and masks that we so beautifully removed two years ago come back up? What happened to the trust? The number of aquaintances is increasing as the number of close friends is decreasing. With each day that passes the empty feeling in the pit of my stomach grows,  becoming more painful, more unavoidable. The love that used to brim out of all of us is diminishing, as is our light. I fear how far this will go, how long it will last, how quiet everyone will stay about it. As cliche as this is, we have seven months left. With where we are right now, I know I will look back with regret and sadness instead of smiles and love.

I FINALLY talked to Brittanee! I cannot put into words how much different I feel; relieved. Our relationship is so great. We both literally go into a state of panic and loneliness after a certain amount of time of not knowing what is going on with the other. Our twin telepathy is ridiculous, but I wouldn’t trade it for anything. As weird as this is, I honestly do not think either of us will ever find a guy that just gets us as well as the other does. That feeling of loneliness and confusion I blogged about a few days ago is pretty much gone now. You bring sunshine to me, and I hope I was able to do the same for you. :)

seventeen year old boys fight over dum-dum lollipops.. 

My mom could not have been more right when she said girls mature faster than boys :) 

a ballerina or an ice skater. Always have, always will. They are so poised, graceful, and strong. Plus, I love dressing up, which they get to do every time they have a show or competition. I can’t even imagine the feeling a ballerina or a skater gets taking on an alias for the length of a couple songs, dancing and skating their dreams, making their audiences smile..It is probably an incomparable feeling. Forget being a doctor; I’ll trade in a lab coat for a pair of point shoes and ice skates.

Or, I could be a ballet dancing, ice skating, doctor. That. would. be. far beyond AMAZING. :)

i carry your heart

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in

my heart)i am never without it(anywhere

i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done

by only me is your doing,my darling)



                                    i fear

no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want

no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)

and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant 

and whatever a sun will always sing is you



here is the deepest secret nobody knows

(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud

and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows

higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)

and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart



i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

-e.e. cummings

that make me feel like I am a completely different person. I have been able to completely detach my mind from my body at random times, allowing me to analyze, rethink, and regret even the most minute detail of a conversation I had. As this becomes more frequent, the words I say and the actions my hands, legs, and arms make do not feel as though they are self-stimulated. I am simply going through the actions. I laugh, but rarely because I feel genuinely happy and lighthearted. Only one thing has been able to keep me smiling, and I do feel genuinely happy again when I think about it. I hold onto the glimpses from this summer that I find creeping into my thoughts. Even when I doubt myself, I know these make me feel alive again because they are the only thoughts that my mind, body and heart allow me to stay completely attached to. This one thing is becoming my saving grace; it prevents me from completely losing sight of my thoughts, my emotions and who I am. Life is so beautiful, so full of potential right now, and I want so badly to just enjoy it, but this newfound alter ego of mine is doing a good job of making that next to impossible at times.